Under a Starless Sky

Chapter 36

Loxy was aware Shen was looking at her strangely. She encouraged him to speak his mind.

“Would you do something for me?” Shen asked.

“Jon, I love you. I will do anything for you, but I will not kill you, not in this present context, if that’s what

you’re getting at,” TL said.

He waved that off. “I am not talking about death.”

“Okay. What would you like?”

Shen swallowed. He was embarrassed.

“What? You’re afraid to ask me for sex?”

“No,” Shen said. “No! It’s not about sex. I am okay with sex.”

“We haven’t had sex,” TL said.

“I am not wanting sex,” Shen said.

“You have never not wanted sex,” TL said. “I am worried.”

“I will have sex when I am ready to have sex,” Shen said.

“Fair enough,” TL said. Softly. “I am sorry. What did you want ask me?”

Shen was mad. “Give me a moment. I am trying to stop thinking about sex,” he said.

“Everyone thinks about sex,” TL said.

“I know! I think about it all the time and tech so exaggerates that,” Shen said.

“And, for the first time ever, you’re what, exercising discernment?” TL asked.

“I am older, wiser, and- I want Loxy,” Shen said.

“Nice,” TL said. “That’s a gift that will make her smile when she downloads it.”

“I want to do something else for her,” Shen said.

“What’s that?” TL said.

“Promise not to laugh at me,” Shen said.

“I would never laugh at you,” TL said. The look he gave her made her retract. “I will endeavor not to

laugh at you.”

“Would you teach me to dance?” Shen asked.

TL laughed. Shen frowned. “Seriously. I tell a joke and you say I am not funny but I put my heart out

and you laugh?”

“Seriously? All of that lead up just to ask me to teach you to dance?” TL said.

“I never learned to dance. I was always afraid I would be laughed at so I refused every instance and

Loxy knows how to dance and she loves swing dance and all sorts of dance and I am from Texas and

can’t even two step without tripping over myself and aggravating partners who assured me they could

teach me and ended up just getting angry and dropping the matter and not being able to dance has

seriously impeded my ability to connect because most women want to dance and I suck and I don’t

want to live another life sitting at the table watching other people dance…” Shen said. He made himself

stop and breathe. “And, I was thinking. I am young again. My brain is more plastic now than it ever was

and so, maybe if we focus entirely on dance and yoga, I can learn both, and be more flexible, and

maybe next time I am old I will be a little healthier, but mostly- I would like to be able to dance with

Loxy.”

TL stood up, stepped away, and extended a hand to him.

“What?” Shen asked.

“Let’s dance,” TL said.

“Right now?” Shen asked.

“Got anything better to do?” TL asked.

“But…”

TL snapped her fingers. On the periphery of the hall, a band appeared. It was holographic, big band,

heavy on the clarinets. There was an orchestra as well, and a microphone with Jeff Lynne at the

microphone. His Greg Brady ‘fro’ and Men in Black attire complete with glasses were comically trope.

Backup singers danced in place, swing hips, serenading a shared mic. A weird, extended intro into an

ELO song was in play. If Jeff was irritated by the cycling of intro, he gave no indication- with the dark

glasses, he was Spock blended with Elwood Blues. The music was the invitation for a slow dance.

“This isn’t going to work,” Shen said.

“No one here to laugh at you.”

“You’re so tall,” Shen said.

TL smiled, spun in place, enveloped in lights, a cocoon of lights, and emerged from the lights renewed.

She was now TL, 12, and almost the same height as Shen. Loxy was taller than him as an adult, and

so it was appropriate she was taller than him in childhood. She was dressed to dance in a Winter

Formal, short blue dress, gold belt, and ballerina slipper. Her hose was dark, sparkly gold. It was winter

Formal meets Star Trek. She held out her hand. His jaw fell. His eyes watered.

“Gosh,” Shen said.

“You approve?” TL asked.

“You’re the most beautiful woman ever,” Shen said.

TL blushed. “You made me beautiful.”

“I didn’t…”

She leaned in, took his hand, and brought him to his feet. She walked backwards leading him to the

middle of the Hall. She placed his hands, moved in close, and softly said, “Just sway. Move with me.”

“My heart is beating,” Shen said.

“It’s supposed to,” TL said.

“This fast?”

“Within norms. You will survive,” TL assured him.

“Why do we dance?” Shen asked.

“Shhh,” TL said.

“No, seriously, why do we force kids to dance?”

“I am not forcing you. You asked,” TL said.

“I did. I meant, in the other world,” Shen said.

“If people are going to be social, they have to have opportunities to connect with others. Part of life is

about experiencing being awkward and realizing this, too, is survivable. People who can tolerate being

embarrassed, teased, bullied, being socially awkward, who can survive failure, who can laugh things off

and hang in there, those people have a strength that is more important than physical strength, or even

intelligence. That is optimum resilience and that leads to the best coupling and the best offspring. That

is what this is about,” TL said.

Tears moved.

“Why are you crying?” TL said.

“To prove this, too, is survivable?” Shen asked.

TL laughed. “Seriously, why are you crying?”

“I love you so much and I want this moment to be forever,” Shen said.

The song manifested. ‘Shangri-La’ by ELO.

They danced. Shen noticed TL’s eyes filling with tears. He stopped. “What? Am I doing it wrong?”

“No,” TL said. “I am experiencing synchronicity with you. This moment is perfect. Jon, you’re not just

giving her the gift of this dance and future dance, you’re giving her a childhood she didn’t have. You

and her, together, children. Growing up together. And I get to be a part of it. I am feelings things.”

“I am going to kiss you now,” Shen said.

“If you don’t do it soon, I am going to kiss you,” TL said.

Their lips met. The world must have stopped because the next thing he knew was Jeff was singing:

‘Can't Get it Out of My Head.’ Was this a blended song? He broke the kiss. He hugged her close and

they returned to swaying, turning. He felt her assisting his movement by directing his Uniform. It started

as a direct pressure that over time became subtle, allowing him to respond to the direction with

gradually less input. He almost protested, wanting to say he wasn’t a horse to be guided, but this was

exactly what he wanted. He was the fox to the Little Prince. The fox to the Little Princess. He asked for

expert guidance, literal hands on training so he could dance. He received loved.

‘Strange Magic’ ELO began to play. There was magic in the corner of his eyes. Twirling of light and

shadows. They both stopped dancing. There were others present. Shen looked to TL to determine if

she was seeing what he was seeing.

“They’re not laughing,” TL offered.

“Who are you?” Shen asked them.

A woman in her twenties came forward. “Forgive us for intruding on your perfect solitude. May we join

you?”

“You want to dance?” TL asked.

“Yes, please,” she said.

TL shrugged. She looked to Shen.

“Um, okay,” Shen said.

The dance evolved into a celebration, a ball. A true Winter Formal. The level of complexity caused

Shen to withdraw to the periphery. His departure from the dance floor coincided with someone asking

TL to dance. Loxy loved swing dancing. Music changed and the dance was fast and hard and

convoluted and beyond Shen’s ability. The man that took over was a sailor from a bygone era. There

was food. There was magic. There were people that didn’t belong in this world. A rush of songs andContentt bel0ngs to N0ve/lDrâ/ma.O(r)g!

people and styles came to the floor, reminding Shen of a scene in the Disney film ‘Bedknobs and

Broomsticks,’ “Portobello Road.” Every age of humanity was represented. Time seemed suspended.

Someone thanked him for holding the dance and walked away. He tried holding conversations with

them, but for whatever reason, all the conversations remained shallow. Incomprehensibly shallow. The

‘disconnect’ was comical. For example, one of the girls had a cell phone. He interrupted her.

“You came to a dance to stare at your phone?” Shen asked her.

“I am sorry, I am talking to my mom. Excuse me.” She walked away.

It wasn’t a brush off, but it reminded him of brushoffs. Cellphones made brushoffs easier. In his past,

though, before cellphones, his brushoffs were solid real because he approached peers above his social

level, having not earned the interaction at that level; it always resulted in brutality. Perceived brutality

and real brutality. Real brutality wasn’t necessarily meanness, but actual self-care with a New York

Street directness. Part of why he kept trying to break in to a level he hadn’t earned was because it

reminded him of the brutality of his family life. Why try to find a place where you’re accepted if you were

never accepted anywhere? He realized now, in hindsight, he had missed out on opportunities to

connect because of his patterns. There were groups of people even here that he would accommodate

him, and still he chose above his peer level. Was this High School revisited? No, this was a dream, a

reminder. It was neither a failure nor a rationalization, just an explanation. He had no doubt others

suffered. He had evidence even here, in this impromptu ghost world come to town hall dance that this

was true. He could have connected with someone, a peer, and together suffering would have

decreased. Was it that simple? Was he still striving for above his pay grade? He was seeking

conversations with God when he was still a freshman and no way to truly relate with something so

idealized that no human could reach?

There was some pleasant conversations at the periphery of his hearing that nearly drew him in, but the

‘disconnect’ continued- by choice. It was like a set up for a joke, exemplified in the 60’s sitcom ‘Laugh-

in.’ He was pretty sure a young Goldi Hahn was on the dance floor. There was Benny Hill slash Three’s

Company sort of dialogue that suggested sex on one level, but was completely innocuous on another-

obvious once you tuned into the fullness of it. It was like being locked in a video game, where the NPCs

had limited engagement parameters. The level of substance that he wanted to understand this was

completely absent. Every conversation he entered was bizarre. Coming back to it was bizarre.

‘Groundhog Day’ bizarre.

Shen re-engaged the girl with a cellphone, “Excuse me…”

“I am sorry, I am talking to my mom. Excuse me.” She walked away again.

“STOP!” Shen shouted.

Everyone stopped. Music stopped. The girl with the cellphone looked at him as if he had lost mind. He

didn’t understand how everyone had heard him over the music, but they responded. The level of

attention he now commanded baffled him and because of it he didn’t know what to do with it. TL came

to him.

“Are you okay?” TL asked.

“This is bizarre,” Shen said. “I don’t understand it.”

TL shrugged. “Yeah, it is.”

“I want to understand,” Shen said. “Who are you people?”

He recognized someone. Endel. He went straight towards him but ghost moved to purposely obstruct;

at least it appeared that way. Endel disappeared, as did everyone else. Everyone but TL and the band

and the orchestra and Jeff Lynne were suddenly gone and the Hall was empty. The arrangement of

food and drink was gone. His appetite did not return, suggesting what he had eaten was his, not

ghostly food that would leave him wanting, but he didn’t know that for sure. He didn’t want to chase

that. He wanted to speak to Endel

“No! Wait. Come back,” Shen said.

Endel came back, alone. “Thank you for this. We’ll meet again.”

He faded.

“Endel!” Shen said. His fading halted. He was transparent, the way a ghost might be. “Please don’t

leave.”

“I am always with you,” Endel said.

“I am so sorry,” Shen said.

“There is nothing to apologize for,” Endel said, fading completely. It was just his voice. “It happened

exactly as we scripted it. It was beautiful. Thank you.”

Shen went to his knees, crying. He hit the floor. “Please, come back.” When he finished, the musicians

were still there. TL was still there, waiting for him to recover.

“You want us to continue, boss?” Jeff asked.

“No,” Shen said, he wiped nose and eyes with his sleeves. “And take off those damn glasses.”

Jeff took off the glasses. He smiled. So, that’s what his eyes looked like.

“End program,” Shen said.

The musicians disappeared. Shen got up to walk off. TL touched his arm.

“You’re angry,” TL said.

“Yes. I want to understand!” Shen said.

“It’s music. It’s magic. It’s dream. Can’t you just enjoy it?” TL asked.

“No,” Shen said.

“Please, stay here with me,” TL said.

“I need some space,” Shen said. He departed.