Surrender Your Sensations

“I’m just asking,” he said, after a few seconds of silence between us. He chuckled before he let go of my face. He took a step back before running his hand through his hair.

“Why did you suddenly ask that question?” I averted my eyes as my heart beat faster. I was not sure why did I feel like this … That question shook me and completely caught me off guard.

“This is a no-strings-attached kind of set-up. I am aware of that, Meredith. You don’t have to worry,” he answered, walking to the refrigerator. He opened it and started rummaging for something to cook. I stared at his back. I could sense his tension because of his stiffed shoulders. “I just suddenly thought of the question. I mean, what if I asked that to Ava? What can she answer me.”

I was stunned by what he said. The giddy and tingly feeling I felt instantly vanished and was replaced by bitter realization. That’s right. I shouldn’t be affected. I shouldn’t react like this. We both only wanted the pleasure and sex in this convenient set-up we had. We were both too devastated and emotionally unstable. We could not afford to be involved in any kind of complication.

So, I should really take control of my attraction towards Rupert. I should settle for this convenience.

“I suddenly became curious too. What is she going to answer if you were able to ask her that question?” I asked, forcing a smile, trying to act unaffected, and shoving the bitter feeling to the deepest subconscious of my mind. I remained leaning against the counter as I watched Rupert rummage through the contents of the refrigerator.

He was stunned for a short while, then closed the refrigerator. He walked to the sink to place the chicken meat and some ingredients and then turned around to look at me. He scratched his nape and I could immediately feel his awkwardness while looking at me with an apologetic look.

“I didn’t mean anything with that question, Meredith. Like you said at the beginning, you’re not for commitment and serious relationships and so I am.” He sighed, his forefinger tapped on the sink, making a small ‘thud’ sound. “It was just a silly question I suddenly thought. You don’t have to answer.”

I nodded and then tucked my hair over my right shoulder. Then, I shrugged my shoulders before I walked to the dining table. I sat in one of the dining chairs and watched Rupert as he started cooking the chicken.

“Don’t worry. I also know you’re just kidding me.” I watched Rupert on what he’s doing and silently thanked him for not looking at me. At least, I had the luxury of time to watch him. “Let’s just enjoy what we have now. I don’t want to take a risky leap, Rupert.”

“I know, Meredith. I’m not going to force you into that thing because I know how I really feel.”

That stings to hear… and yet also relieving.

I mean, I didn’t want complications. Right now, I was not capable to be anyone’s girlfriend. In the first place, I was also aware that I did not want to be involved in any romantic relationship … because of the disadvantages of my prosopagnosia and because of my health.

“Ava will always be your greatest love,” I said to him, slightly smiling at him.  “I know that, Rupert. Believe me, I don’t want us to cross the line.” I don’t want us to get hurt at the end of everything..

“I’m sorry,” he answered, which made me frown. “I promised you that I wouldn’t mention Ava again but here we are, talking about her. I’m sorry, Meredith.”

He didn’t even look at me while saying that. He continued cooking.

I ended up forcing  myself to smile. The kind of smile which failed to reach my eyes. “Silly. Ava is your greatest love and she has only been gone for only a year. It’s wrong to expect you not to mention her. Don’t mind what I said earlier,” I said before standing up from my seat and starting to arrange the plates and cutlery.

“No. Please, snap me out of my trance if ever I am talking about her again.”

I was stunned by what he said. I sighed. “Don’t think about what I said before. I understand now that you don’t see Ava in me at all. Most importantly, I know that it still hurts for you that-”

“The pain is still here,” he heaved a deep sigh, his head nodding, “but this pain should not be forever here. Ava will always be a part of me but she’s not the whole me. I need to get over her and this pain.”

“Getting over with the pain should not be rushed, Rupert.” I approached him after setting the table. I touched both of his shoulders and I felt how tense he was.

“I don’t want to offend you or make you feel anything like that while we’re together.” He stopped slicing the chicken then finally turned around and faced me. “So please, immediately call me out when I start talking about her. Right now, it’s wrong for me to talk about her when we’re together.” He kissed my forehead and then turned around to continue slicing the chicken.

I blinked a few times before I calmed myself down from reacting again to everything that Rupert was showing and saying to me. “But this is not a real relationship, Rupert. So, don’t invest too much and don’t confuse the lines between us by being too considerate.”

“Whatever this relationship is, I want to remain respectful of you.”Please check at N/ôvel(D)rama.Org.

I gasped because I did not expect us to talk so seriously like this. I didn’t think we should have this kind of talk anyway. So, yeah. Maybe, I need to drop the topic now before we start talking about things which may complicate this.

I just hugged him from behind and put my chin on his shoulder. “Respectful? Hmnnn… Is that why you’re driving me crazy on bed?”

Just like that, the heavy atmosphere was torn apart.

“Stop teasing me, sweetie. I might not feed you anymore and end up having you as my dessert first,” he uttered, his voice was deep and my insides clenched.

I tightened my arms around his waist before starting to kiss the crook of his neck. His head turned to the left to give my lips more access. I grinned on his neck when I felt his hand on my arm.

“Focus on what you’re doing, Rupert.”

“You know I can’t. Stop it, sweetie. Stop it while I can still hold myself.”

I laughed out loud when he removed my arms from hugging his waist. Then, he pulled my arm until I was standing beside him, his right arm around my waist. “Instead of making me hard and needy for your body, why don’t you help me prepare our food?”

I was stunned by what he said. Gradually the expression on my face turned to a frown. “Rupert, the thing is…”

“What? Just help me here.” His right arm pulled my waist closer to his body then he handed me the knife which he was holding on his other hand. “You will be my assistant. Please chop the onions and garlic for me, sweetie.”

He kissed my temple before he started heating the pan. His right hand remained on my waist, caressing it while he was busy in front of the stove.

“Rupert,” I murmured, which was loud enough to get his attention. He put oil in the pan before looking at me. “I never learned to cook.”

“Huh?”

I gasped and then slapped his chest. “I said, I don’t know how to cook!”

I thought he was going to laugh at me but suddenly he turned off the stove and then he went behind me. I was stunned when he held both of my hands. He put the knife in my right hand and then arranged the chopping board in front of me.

I looked at him over my shoulder and he immediately gave me a swift kiss. “You’re so cute,” he said, before asking me to look at the chopping board in front of me. “Let get this over, my dear assistant.”

“I said, I did not even learn how to cook, Rupert.” I whined like a child. I was about to let go of the knife when Rupert literally held my hands. Because of the size of his hands, he could almost cover my whole hand.

“Hold the knife firmly, Sweetie. You’ll be hurt by doing that,” he said, then he let go of my hands just to tie my long hair. “You didn’t learn to cook because no one taught you. So, I volunteer to be your cooking teacher.”

“Cooking teacher?” I chuckled but immediately was put to a halt when he cupped my jaw and made me look at him.

“What? You don’t trust me? I have a talent for cooking,” he said, grinning widely.

“What’s the reward if you become my cooking teacher anyway?”

“Kiss me,” he answered immediately and I laughed. “Then let me taste you.”

I almost choked on my own laughter because of what he said next. My eyes widened but he just winked at me. The lust on his eyes made my inside clenched with thrill and anticipation.

“S-Stop being such a pervert!”

He chuckled even more. “What can I do? You are so damn hot and sexy that I always think about taking you. More importantly, I think you are now my favorite dessert, sweetie.”

My cheeks flustered. “Rupert!”