Leave Me Behind

Breakfast around the campfire is quiet. The awkwardness from last night carried over and everyone is avoiding eye contact with Bradshaw. He has a new mask on today; it’s sharper looking and has rivets on the exterior, still black, but somehow more aggressive with the added texture.

Eren sits beside me, eyes wearier than I’ve seen them. He took two watches last night and is still functioning perfectly. I eat my MRE as I stare out into the forest, thinking deeply about the anguish on Eren’s face last night after I said that Bradshaw and me are the ones easy to throw away once the job is done.

He had become silent and I didn’t mind the words that remained unsaid between us for the rest of the watch.

The march back to the extraction site is painful. My thighs ache and my bones cry out with each step. The mountain air is crisp today, fall is setting in quickly up here. Some of the highest peaks even have snow already.

Harrison’s and Jefferson’s expressions are significantly lighter toward me today. I wonder if it’s because of how well I shot yesterday or if it’s due to the sad story sharing we did last night. I don’t let my mind linger too much on it. No sense in dwelling in Traumaville.

Ian and Pete walk steadily ahead of us, with Eren leading the hostages most of the day, while Bradshaw and me take the rear as usual. We make momentous progress and should reach the extraction point before sundown.

Relief floods through me with the idea of a hot shower and warm sheets.

Bradshaw won’t even look at me. Back to his cold behavior, I guess. But it’s better than his episode last night. At least he’s composed right now. My eyes trace over the smooth lines of his face beneath the mask. I look longer than I should.

The last few hours of the trek are exhausting. Weariness tugs at my eyes and draws heaviness through my aching shoulders.

Bradshaw walks stoically beside me. It’s as if he doesn’t physically tire, ever.

There’s a distinct tightness in the air that settles around us. It chokes me like a venomous adder coiling around my throat and waiting patiently for me to die. I want to talk about what we did last night. The brutal parts and the soft, sensual ones. I turn to face him, his eyes instantly lifting to mine and I open my mouth to speak⁠—

A bullet flies between us.

My assault rifle rises instinctively and I shout, “Shots fired!” The scuffling and grunts that sound from ahead of us distract me momentarily as another bullet flies at us. This time it hits my shin and red powder coats my pant leg.

It stings like an airsoft bullet, but at least it hit me in the leg and not the chest. I’m still active in the training and not considered a fatality. Yet.

Bradshaw fires into the dark underbrush and it’s followed by a grunt.

After waiting stiffly for a beat to listen for any more enemies, Bradshaw lets his eyes fall down to my leg. Disappointment flashes through his eyes. “You were hit.”

“Yeah, I know, jackass.”

His brows pull lower. “You’re out.”

“What? It’s just a leg hit. I’m fine.” I rise to meet his glare. The others come out of their positions and watch our interaction in silence. The air is cold and clammy against my skin as my blood starts to boil.

“I said you’re out, Bun.”

Eren comes up beside me and gives my leg a gruff look. “He’s right. Our squad takes no faults, Bunny. You’re out.”

Heat races to my cheeks and I want to scream. Are they serious? After everything I proved to them this month, this is where I fail? I look to the others. Jefferson and Pete stare at me with finality. Ian and Harrison at least look a little bothered by the unfairness of it.

“That’s not fair,” I say, challenging the sergeant.

His eyes narrow at me and his voice darkens. “Bunny, you aren’t disagreeing with my authority, are you?” He says it loud enough for everyone in the group to hear. The muscles in my neck flex with rage.

Of course he’d use his authority to try and get me to back down.

“No, Sergeant. I wouldn’t dream of challenging your decision.” My tone is harsh. Eren’s brows ease, feeling like he’s won. “But my hands are tied. I’m afraid I’ll need to bring this to General Nolan’s attention. How one of his dogs is feral and has a nasty bite. You think they’ll put the dog down? I am Nolan’s favorite, after all.” I unzip my vest and lift my sweater, revealing the blood-soaked bandages. The wound throbs with the motion, making me wince at the pain.

Eren’s eyes widen with horror. Bradshaw remains impassive; his cold gaze is enough to chill me to my bones. He’s far scarier when you can’t tell what’s ticking in that mind of his.

“I’ll let you think on it, Sergeant,” I say callously. If they want to play dirty, then I’ll play in the fucking mud.

I tuck my rifle under my arm before sauntering to the front of the squad. The men give me disdainful looks as I pass them. It’s fine. I’m not here to be cherished like a doll.

I’m here to find out what really happened in Patagonia two years ago. And to put a bullet in the man responsible for it. The rest is bullshit.

The consensus, apparently, is that I’m being completely shunned from here forward. The remainder of our mission is quiet and without any more ambushes. When we finally reach the extraction point, my shoulders roll back with relief.

I’m not sure if my threat worked on Eren or not. But he seems more withdrawn and angry, so at least it’s been weighing on his mind. We both know his brother will likely be thrown to the wolves for attacking a fellow squadmate. We might have different rules in the dark forces, but we hold our value. General Nolan has a soft spot for me and they all know it.

I take a deep breath as I board the helicopter and don’t bother looking at any of the cold expressions that surround me. All I want right now is a hot shower and to sleep in a fucking bed for one goddamn night. The ride back to Coronado is long and quiet; everyone but myself, Bradshaw, and Eren seem to find sleep easily.

The second our boots hit the ground, Eren orders everyone to hit the showers except me and Bradshaw. I fight the urge to roll my eyes. This really couldn’t wait until tomorrow morning? We’re all barely holding onto our sanity at this point.

Bradshaw stares at his brother with the same energy as I do.

“You two have been a huge pain in my ass… Look, Nell, the team doesn’t want you on the squad. I know that sucks, but we are looking for someone who meets the mission expectations and can bond with the squad. At the end of the day everyone needs to trust each other without a shadow of a doubt. I know it’s not fair to ask, but I am asking anyway. Please. Let this go. Just quit.” Eren’s voice isn’t far from pleading.

Show them. Jenkins’s low voice trails through my memory like a river over stones. Make them see you’re necessary. He taught me how to kill a man in every conceivable way. How to manipulate even the wittiest of minds.

“Fine. I’ll give up the spot. But on the condition that you can find a soldier better than me. I want to be on the mock hostile squad. If you guys can overthrow our base and take the captives, then I’ll throw in the towel,” I say confidently and lift my chin.

Eren’s brows raise with curiosity, but he looks at Bradshaw pointedly. “That’s your best option.” Eren looks tired—as if he’s been thinking about his brother’s fate and worrying every single night of his life instead of sleeping. Would I actually report Bradshaw’s actions? No. Because I’ve done far worse to people who are now in the ground and will never be found. But to keep control over them is necessary. I need to be here.

Bradshaw looks at his brother for an uncomfortable minute, then gives him one curt nod before turning and walking back to the barracks.

Eren lets out a long sigh and gives me a sideways glance. “For the record, I voted for you to stay,” he admits with an uneasy laugh.

I consider him for a moment before letting a smile spread over my lips. “Thank you, Eren.” His lazy grin sends flutters through my stomach. “I really needed to hear those words.”

He drops his hand atop my head. I look up at him and he chuckles softly. “Don’t let them win. Show them like I know you will. I know I need you on this next mission.” He winks at me and I let the sentiment sink into the depths where I need it.

Eren believes in me. It’s better than nothing.

“Now, go get cleaned up. I’ll meet with the general and have the backup marksman put on the squad. You’ll be assigned to the hostile force we’re invading in the next roll out.” We walk together toward the barracks as he informs me.

“Where will I stay until then?” I ask, hoping that I’ll be placed in other barracks for the two-day break until then. A weekend away, I guess, if you could consider it that.

Eren firms his lips in thought. “There’s a spare bed in my room, but I’ll have to chat with the general to see if we have other beds available. If it comes down to that, are you okay with staying with me?”

I’d rather sleep naked next to Eren than fifty feet anywhere near Bradshaw.

“Yeah, just get me away from your psycho brother,” I say vehemently. It draws a frown to Eren’s face and he stares off ahead, darkness clouding his eyes. If only he knew how thoroughly fucked I was last night by his precious brother. You wouldn’t know it by the cold shoulder I’ve received all day.

“He’s never been this⁠—”

“Unhinged?” I interrupt. “Cruel?”

Eren glances down at me beneath those black lashes and his frown is replaced with amusement. “Yeah. He’s never been this interested with his second.” His frown returns.

I feel bad for Eren. He carries the responsibility of not only the squad but also his brother, who’s cutting new recruits across their ribs and being unreliable.

“It’s because of Abrahm,” I state matter-of-factly.

He nods, staring at the ground as we stop outside the doors. “Yes… but you being here has made it much, much worse.”

“I’m not trying to replace him,” I say hesitantly. “I just want to be on this mission. I’ll be sent to the Hades Squad if I don’t stay on this one. And they hate Riøt more than you guys do. The general would rather release me back into society than send me to them. And I can’t go back into society.” It sounds morbid but Eren only nods. Maybe he’s seen the same demon in his brother.

His brow raises with interest. “You’ve earned your cards?”

I swallow. I’m not supposed to tell anyone that the general was going to sneak me out of the dark forces after Riøt’s demise. But I refused it. I shake my head.

“No, I’m just saying I can’t go back.”

“Don’t sell yourself short, Nell. You’re more than a weapon.” His words don’t reach me in the way he intends.

“No, I’m not, Sarge.”

He stares at me momentarily before pushing the door open.

“I’ll come get you in an hour for your new room assignment. Have your things packed.”

The squad is lounging in our barrack. Each one of them is spread out in their bed relaxing. It was a grueling month and seeing them in street clothes rather than their tactical uniforms makes them seem like completely different people.

Their eyes all move in my direction, making me feel misplaced in my T-shirt and leggings. I keep my eyes forward as I strut confidently across the cement room toward the last bunk. My bag is right where I left it on the top bed. I grab it, thankful that I didn’t unpack anything before we left.

Bradshaw doesn’t bother looking up at me. I let my eyes fall to him once more before we part ways. The next time I see him, it better be through a scope as I’m shooting a mock bullet at his fucking face.

He has a fresh mask on. The black is darker on this one, with gray stripes that run through it vertically. His lashes flutter against his skin, alluding that he’s very much awake and choosing to ignore me. Such beauty is wasted on him, but still, I stare longer than I should. At the redness of the thin scar that curves beneath his left eye. At the grooves in the fabric over his lips as he draws breath. At my bite that drew his blood last night.

Without parting words, I walk back the way I came.

“Bye-bye, Bunny.”

The muscles in my legs lock at the sound of his voice and I stop at the door, turning my head enough to look over my shoulder at Bradshaw. He’s now standing at the other end of the room, his men between us, with his fists clenched and a sinister grin pulling at his mask.

“Eat shit,” I say simply, as if I’m unbothered by this entire fiasco. I knew all his soft touches yesterday were empty, but his cruelness still hurts.

Rage flashes across his gaze and something about that small victory fuels me.

I turn my back to them and wait for Eren down the hallway. He arrives right on the dot, rounding the corner with a light smile.

I swipe my hair back behind my ear—wearing it down for the first time all week feels good. The dark strands are wavy down to my mid back.

“You clean up nicely,” Eren mutters, winking at me.

I give him a weary smile. “Sergeant, you shouldn’t compliment your subordinates and wink at them. We aren’t in the club anymore.”

He throws his head back and laughs.

“Sorry, Bunny. I’m so used to seeing grumpy men. I forget sometimes when I look at you because we met on a plane and it’s all so unfair, isn’t it?” Eren motions for me to follow him and I breathe out a sigh of gratitude that I’m not staying with Malum for the time being.

“Unfair how?”

His grin is contagious as he looks down at me. There’s more warmth in his eyes than usual. No one looks at me with kindness anymore. Funny, I can’t seem to place the last time anyone had. Perhaps it was Jenkins, with his dying light.

“Unfair that we’re both in this line of work.”

“How else would you have liked it?” I pry, and it earns me a hearty laugh. My cheeks warm and for a moment it doesn’t feel like I’m in a cement grave anymore.

Eren glances behind us. Curiosity draws my eyes to follow. Pete and Jefferson are standing in the doorway watching us. It seems odd that they would do so, but I try to ignore them.

“I would have preferred if Abrahm had not died. We’d all be in different predicaments now,” he says thoughtfully as we continue down the hall and turn the corner to another section of the barracks’ wing.

Abrahm. How is it that the death of one man can change the lives of so many?

“What would your predicament have been?”

Eren’s jaw flexes as he stops at a door and opens it for me. I step inside and take in the small room. There are two plain beds and two nightstands. It’s the emptiest room I’ve ever seen, no sentiments or photos. No lingering care items from the mornings or nights.

“Patagonia was our last mission before we were to earn our cards.” He lifts a shoulder and drops it. The cards of freedom. My eyes widen. Malum was on their last mission before their cards? The only underground squad that has earned their cards was Warsaw, and that was ten years ago. Most squads die out before they earn their freedom back.

They were going to be free. Riøt still had six missions to complete before we earned ours.

I set my bag on the bed he points at and let my aching body lower to the mattress. Basic sheets feel so precious after sleeping in bushes for a few weeks.

“Losing Abrahm cost you your cards?”

He sits on the other bed and stares out the sole window. “Everything went to shit after that. Bones was mentally shot and the squad was everywhere. We failed miserably and the general was furious with us.” He stares at me with knowing eyes.

“We obviously failed too.” My voice is low.

“This next mission is more than earning our cards, Nell. It’s revenge. For Bones, especially. I can’t get into the details, but we both know it ties in with Patagonia.”

I wince at those words; our goals aren’t so different.

“He has a debt to pay,” I say sadly.

Eren’s eyes flash at me. “You have one too.”

I lower my eyes to my hands. They don’t look covered in blood, but they are. I’m drowning in the deaths of my first squad. In the death of Jenkins. If I had stayed, he’d still be here. Or we’d both be dead, and that’s fine too. Why didn’t I stay? My eyes slowly shut.

The firm line of my lips is the only answer I can provide him. He doesn’t press me further. He knows what I’ve done. The monster that lurks beneath my betraying features.

I lie back in the bed and let out a long breath. The ceiling is tiled here. Just as bland and soulless as the rest of the military base.

“So when do we start the next training?” I ask, as I absentmindedly brush the tip of my finger across the cut on my ribs. I’ll think of Bradshaw’s lustful gaze every time I see the mark, each time I feel it.

Eren notices me messing with my wound and stands, fumbling in his nightstand before approaching me with some clear liquid and supplies.

I sit at the edge. “I already rebandaged, Sergeant.”

He gives me a stern look and I cave, lifting my shirt over my head and tossing it to the side of my bed. My sports bra meets the end of the bandage, so I scoot it up enough for him to easily change the wrapping.

“The next mock mission starts two days from now at zero eight hundred. You’ll leave earlier with the hostile squad to get a head start toward your base. Same as before—few weeks of training and then we’ll try taking the hostages back,” Eren mutters as he gently unwraps the binding around my chest. He slows as he gets to the fleshy, blood-soaked layer. His eyes widen and his jaw clenches.

“Nell, we both know that this needs stitches.” His brows furrow. He looks a lot more like Bradshaw when he’s like this.

I lift a shoulder. “You made it clear that you didn’t want anyone to find out. It’s healing, so don’t worry about it,” I say indifferently, and torment fills his gaze. There are a million things on his mind; it’s evident in the tired slump of his shoulders. “You don’t need to feel bad. It wasn’t you who carved me open and exposed my breasts to the other squadmates.”

His hands freeze and for a moment I think I’ll watch his mental state shatter with what his brother has done. But he pulls himself together the way he’s been trained to as he dabs ointment on my flayed flesh. I know he’s seen much worse in the field. His touch is soft and caring; if I shut my eyes I’ll be consumed by the comfort of it.

“Don’t let him hurt you like this again,” he finally says after a long while of silence. Too late, I muse. He finishes the procedure using suture tape, which might actually work, and wraps my ribs better than I had. Delicate, but secure.

I let my eyes fall to his calloused hands, wondering how many men he’s killed with them. I find solace in his presence. A kind soul that’s dragging himself through hell. But Eren did something bad to earn his place in the dark forces too. I wonder if he’d tell me what it was.

“What if he does hurt me again?” I tease with a probing voice, knowing that our vicious dance is far from over. I’ve never seen death and hatred linger around a man’s shoulders like it does with Bradshaw. Even with his imperfections and his violence, the reaper in me wants to break him as much as he’s sought to destroy me.

Eren fists his hands at each side of me before looking up to meet my cold gaze. “He won’t disobey my orders again.” His voice cuts out as he lifts his left hand to coast his fingertips across my ribs. “It’s my fault Abrahm died. My fault that Bradshaw is so fucked up.” A single tear rolls down his expressionless face. I wonder if he even knows it slipped. The hard planes of his expression don’t allude any emotions.Text property © Nôvel(D)ra/ma.Org.

Eren is scary too, maybe more so than his brother. His ability to put on a facade is chilling.

Our conversation ends with an awkward lull in the room. The energy has gone cold and stale. Eren heads to his bed silently, his thoughts clearly weighing on his mind.

I like the way broken men grieve.

It gives me pause and makes me curious about the harrowing things he still has locked up so tight.

I think tediously about that as I stare at the now dark ceiling. Only Eren’s soft snores from across the room keep the sound of nothingness from stirring my brain.

What could the sergeant of Malum possibly have weighing on his conscience?