In Love With My Boyfriend’s Brother

But what was I thinking when I kissed him?

Oh yes, I just wanted to stop thinking. I didn’t want to think about anything. Especially about … Yan.

What the hell is happening to me these days? I was so much better before I knew he was gone. I wanted him to go, didn’t I? I asked him to do it. So why do I keep thinking about him now? Dreaming about him?

And this horrible emptiness that won’t go away?

As soon as I get home, I go to the bathroom and look at my sleeping pills, I give up and stare for a while in the mirror.

I take a deep breath, I’m not going to be dependent on these drugs that give me a hangover, just because I can’t deal with these silly dreams.

…

I wake up with my heart racing again. In my dream, I was kissing someone, but it wasn’t Simon, it was Yan.

But I’m not crying out of sadness, or hate, I’m crying because I miss him. And it seems that only now do I realize it.

Damn it, Yan!

I speak loudly, but I know he can’t hear me.

My God, how could I have asked him to leave? How could I say those things to him?

What am I going to do now? I don’t even have a way to talk to him. I cry even more.

…

I wake up that way, my particular zombie way. I sip my coffee lightly. The scene of Yan turning around and heading for the stairs doesn’t want to leave my thoughts.

The memories of the two of us insist on invading my thoughts during the day and make me miss all that even more, the little we had and the way only he made me feel in life.

I need to do something.

…

I arrive at the skate park. It seems so much less fun when he’s not here. I take a deep breath and walk over to a girl and ask for Max.

”He’s not here. He left with Kylie and they won’t be back until Monday.”

It’s Shane’s voice right behind me. I turn around and say:

”Oh, hi.”

She doesn’t sound happy to see me. But I have to have some information about Yan.

”Shane, do you remember me?”

”Of course, how could I forget that Yan left because of you?”

It kills me. Hearing about him kills me.

I just say:

”Can I talk to you?”

”You’re already talking.”

”Anywhere else?”

He rolls his eyes but asks me to follow her. We arrive at a spot away from the skateboard track.

I start as soon as she stops and faces me:

”Please, Shane, I need to know where Yan is.”

She smiles wryly. I ignore her. She says:

”Don’t you think you’ve already done enough damage in his life?”

”I know, but…”

”He was devastated.”

I say nothing and she continues:

”He got even worse after he came back from his apartment. Damn, I asked him not to go there.”

”I regret it so much…”

She interrupts me:

”You know, at least after I went begging you to stay with him, he came back different.”

”Different?”

”Yep. When he left, he went on hating you.”

”What?”

”He told me he hated you for what you were making him feel.”

It destroys me inside.

”You had a chance to have the best guy in the world and you blew it.”

All I can say is:

”I have to go.”

She still says after I turn around:

”You wanted to have both and now you’re left with no one.”

I don’t even see myself leaving, I just don’t want to hear her repeat that Yan hates me now, because it’s too bad and it’s killing me little by little.

The air comes out burning my throat and it’s hard to breathe, I want to cry but I won’t do it while I’m in range of her eyes.

Damn, Shane.

The problem is that she’s right, I wanted them both and now I’m alone. I hate this, I hate that Yan hates me and I hate that I had this conversation with Shane because it hurts even more to know all this.

I spend Saturday evening at home under the covers, wanting to go back in time and fix everything between me and Yan.

The problem is that I can’t do that anymore.

I wake up on Sunday a little too early for someone who always woke up at ten in the morning. It is cold, so I get my blanket and go to the living room to watch TV shows.

I don’t stay long on the couch, because I woke up very hungry. Something rare these days. I prepare a coffee and some bread rolls that I bought yesterday.

In the afternoon I decide to make a video call with Katy because I am missing her a lot these days.

We talked on the phone and I explained to her everything that happened. At first, she asked me why I didn’t tell her how I felt about Yan when she was with him, but I told her that I didn’t even know if I felt that way about him.

I lied. I think I always knew, I think I fell in love with him from the first time I saw him. Ever since that morning that I got under the covers with him, my heart never stopped racing when I met him.

”Are you feeling better?”

”Yep, I am.”

”You should come to stay with me for a few days, Sky.”

”I can’t miss work, Katy.”

We talk a little more about how she’s doing and she tells me she’s dating. I’m happy for Katy, she deserves the best guy in the world. After a long time of talking, I say goodbye and turn on the TV again.

Watching romantic movies when you are not so good at romance is not a good idea.

I am already crying in the first scene.

As the result, I cried through the whole movie. I decide to take a hot bath. But if I wanted to take a shower to forget Yan for a moment, here I am thinking again about him and the day he walked into the same bathroom as me in his room.

I should have gone out and grabbed him. Then I start thinking about all the times I should have done it, and there were many.

I should have chosen between the two of them right from the start. I should have chosen Yan. I sit down on the bed, still in my towel. I look away and say:

”I love you, Yan.”

The problem is that he can’t hear me.

And I cry again. I’m desperate.

…

The week drags on slowly. I haven’t dared to go talk to Max, for fear that he would just confirm what Shane told me and I don’t know if I can hear all that again.

…

Another lonely Friday night, I’m going to freak out from how lonely I feel, empty.

I need someone to hang out with, talk to, but I’m not going out with any of my mutual friends with Matt, they probably already know about us.Content (C) Nôv/elDra/ma.Org.

And I don’t want to go out with my friends from college and have to spend the whole night explaining why I’m without Matt if they’ve always seen us together.

I think I already know where I want to go.

…

It’s drizzling outside here and as soon as he opens the door, he looks surprised.

”Sky?”

I just say:

”I need human physical contact.”

He just smiles and says:

”I’ll be happy to help you.”