Chapter 9: Controlling Myself
Saying that I wake up would be a lie. I simply open my eyes, giving up on the pointless struggle to catch any sleep.
I get out of bed and straight into shower, as I need something to regain energy.
When I descend the stairs, I find only Darius at the kitchen table.
Of course. Others must be still asleep. The Sun barely came out.
“Good morning,” I say as I enter and notice the table is full of bread, charcuterie, and all sorts of spreads. Aliana is obviously up whenever the Alpha needs her to be up.
“Is it?” he smirks, not really paying attention to me.
I know my designated seat is opposite of Darius, but I choose to occupy a vacant seat close to him and pour myself a glass of what looks like freshly squeezed orange juice. “Want some?”
I ignore the sarcasm. “You flatter me.”
He is amused by my gesture. “Aren’t you the world’s best mate?”
“Mm,” he gulps down his cup of coffee. Something tells me it ain’t his first. “You slept well last night?”
“Perfect,” I raise my eyebrows convincingly. “The mattress is super soft, I love it.”
“Good morning!” Debra smiles walking in. That woman is always lit up.
He smirks, knowing that I am lying. “That’s great. You should check out mine,” he then leans in so that no one else can hear. “It’s super hard, but I’m sure you’d love it.”
I almost choke on my orange juice – I bring my hand up, coughing.
“Are you fine, darling?” Debra asks in concern, as Darius enjoys the effect his remark gave me.
“All good,” I force a smile. “Went down the wrong way,” I shake it off.
“Don’t scare me,” Darius leans in – lying – I know he’s enjoying his game of luring me in. “I just hate you denying all the pleasure I want to give,” he whispers in a rough manly voice, then gets up.
“Alright, folks. I’m off to duty. Take care of the family, bro,” he addresses Terry just as he walks into the dining room.
“Sure thing, bro. Kill those mother fuckers.”
I frown. “Kill whom?”
“No need to worry, baby,” Darius puts his hands over my shoulders and squeezes them shortly. “I just hope two sleepless nights won’t cost me my reflexes,” he mumbles.
“Heyo!” Terry laughs, even though he totally misinterpreted the reason behind sleep deprivation.
“Manipulator,” I whisper to him, because I know he’s purposely trying to make me feel bad. Pushing guilt on me like I’m some silly teenage girl.
As he leaves, I address Terry. “What’s going on? Is something wrong?”
He shakes his head. “Probably just a false alarm.”
His constant concise replies start irritating me. “A false alarm about what?”
“You heard that yesterday they encountered some vampires. Well, today they had another report for a sighting. But the odds are low.”
I brood, furrowing my brows. Why would the odds be low? It’s very possible that they’re back.
And if they are, my wolf awakens, our mate really is in danger.
Don’t exaggerate. I’m sure he can defend himself – how did he manage to stay alive all these years without us?
You’re Luna. You should’ve gone with him. You’ve fought more vampires than any of them. Besides, it’s your fault he has two sleepless night that will probably cause him slow reflexes.
Shit. Now I really do feel guilty. You’re right.
“Excuse me,” I stand up swiftly, “I have to leave.”
“What’s the hurry, honey?” I hear Debra’s voice, but am already running toward the exit.
I grab the knob, hoping I’ll catch him in time, and basically jump outside.
But there’s no one in sight.
I scan the surroundings up and down, but see nothing.
Shit! Darius hasn’t had a minute sleep for the last two nights and then he goes to fight vampires!
Then it occurs to me. Hasn’t my father said Darius could smell me miles away? Maybe the same rule applies to me.
I close my eyes and inhale deeply, searching for a familiar essence.
The one that disarms me every time…
Bingo! A satisfied smile stretches my lips as I shift into my wolf and start running towards the river, where I caught Darius’ scent.
It takes me a decent amount of time to catch up with them. They’re obviously running as well.
I’m very close now, though – I already hear their interlinked thoughts.
“They couldn’t have gone too far,” Darius shares. “We’ll split. Conrad and Joe will head East, Lucy and Jake West. I’m continuing North.”
“Me as well,” I join in.
Darius’ wolf shots me with a deadly glance. “What the hell are you doing here?”
“Who’s that?” one of them asks, confused.
“That’s your Luna, Jake.” Darius responds demanding respect.
“Ok, chill,” Jake laughs. “So this is the famous Lila.”
“Finally a new girl on the team,” I suppose Lucy says as she’s the only female here.
“I appreciate the enthusiasm,” I share my thoughts. “I sense we’ll get along well, Lucy.”
“Aye, aye,” she says, but also her other thoughts slip. “Not that well with Darius, though. He’s pissed.”
“Move!” the Alpha commands and they all leave our sight. It is then that he approaches me and lurks over my white silver wolf.
“Who let you here?”
“Excuse me?? I let myself.” You cocky bastard. Shit – I hate thought-sharing.
He laughs. “You can always shift back, little woolfie.”
“Wouldn’t you like that?” No way – it’s too dangerous being naked with you. “Stop invading my thoughts!”That’s your Luna, Jake.” Darius responds demanding respect.
“Ok, chill,” Jake laughs. “So this is the famous Lila.”
“Finally a new girl on the team,” I suppose Lucy says as she’s the only female here.
“I appreciate the enthusiasm,” I share my thoughts. “I sense we’ll get along well, Lucy.”
“Aye, aye,” she says, but also her other thoughts slip. “Not that well with Darius, though. He’s pissed.”
“Move!” the Alpha commands and they all leave our sight. It is then that he approaches me and lurks over my white silver wolf.
“Who let you here?”
“Excuse me?? I let myself.” You cocky bastard. Shit – I hate thought-sharing.
He laughs. “You can always shift back, little woolfie.”
“Wouldn’t you like that?” No way – it’s too dangerous being naked with you. “Stop invading my thoughts!”
He laughs again. “If I knew you were gonna be this much fun, I’d invite you to join me myself.”
“I doubt that.”
“You’re damn well right. It’s too dangerous for you to be here. I’d send you back right now but you’re safer with me than running back alone.”
I groan menacingly. “I thought I was the Luna of this pack. Obviously, I was wrong.”
He only breathes, not saying a word.
“I fight vampires better than you, you big stubborn sleepless ass!” I’m enraged now at this behavior.
He looks into my eyes – a wolf to a wolf. “Is that why you came?” He approaches me so that we’re now almost touching. “To watch over me?”
I’m too angry to admit it. “It’s more a feeling of guilt that you didn’t get any sleep on my account-”
“Shh,” he cuts me off, rubbing his head into my wolf’s neck. “Let me enjoy this moment.”
Damn. It’s even harder to resist him in wolf form. His scent is consuming all of my focus and energy. It’s so… appealing. Attracting me towards him. Wanting me to surrender fully… to my Alpha.
“Enough,” he says, “Tonight you’re sleeping in my bed. No more excuses.”
Shit. He now knows that I want it too.
“I’ve always known it,” he chuckles.
“Shut up and move North!” I start running, before he can read the rest of my mind.
* * *
The hunt yielded no vampires.
Afterward Darius went to his work room and still hasn’t come out. I don’t know what’s gotten into me, but I long to be close to him, so I come in front of his door. I’ve never felt this way before.
I shut my eyes, thinking of Ian. Ian and his warm smile. His gentle hands and funny jokes. The way we’d just chill in our bed, watching movies or discussing psychological diseases. I miss it. But I miss it in a weird way – as my best friend. Is that even possible – that my love towards him died this soon?
I guess one can’t love two men at the same time.
But is it love I feel for Darius? It more feels like a spell – dragging me towards him without my free will. Before I know it, I’m knocking at his work room door.
“Come in, Lila,” he replies from the other side. Of course he smelled me.
I walk in and look around briefly. There are various books and bookshelves at each side of the wall. Also, a lot of organizers and files. Somehow, I can’t imagine this guy in this kind of a workplace. I can only imagine him hunting in his wolf form or commanding men on the field.
Maybe I’m being prejudicial?
“What can I do for you?” he asks as I sit on a sofa nearby.
I actually take that thought and process it. Is there anything he could do for me to feel better?
“Talk to me,” I reply.
He changes his face expression from sarcastic to serious. He even fixes himself up in the chair. “Talk about what?”
“You,” I shrug. “I don’t know anything about you. What do you even do for a living? I mean, I know what Alphas do for a pack, but… what do you do to earn a living?”
He smiles a bit, surprised by my question. He stands up and walks towards me, sitting on the couch opposite of me.
“I’m a trader. I buy commodities and resell them,” he sees I’m wanting more. “It’s not a full-time job, but it’s profitable. Gives me enough time to spend on my pack. Take care of them. I only keep track of the prices twice a day. I buy when the price drops and sell when it goes up.”
Why did the Moon Goddess pair us? “Which commodities?” I ask, hoping that – somewhere in the answer – I’ll see why we’d be a good fit if there wasn’t for the spell.
“Iron, gold, copper, petrol… You know, being a good fighter has its perks,” a corner of his lips curl. “I’ve helped out many powerful men. And they tip me the inside info here and there. It’s their way of thanking.”
I simply blink.
“What about you?” he leans onto his couch and I realize this is the first time he’s asked.
“I’m a psychologist.”
He observes me calmly. “What does a psychologist do?”
I stare into his eyes, wondering if he’s only asking out of courtesy or if he’s genuinely interested in the topic. “I have an office where I receive my clients. We sit and talk about their problems, and I try to help them solve them.”
He nods. “It’s similar to a Beta’s job in the pack.”
I almost smile. “I guess it really is.” I grew up with a Beta, so I know all about my father’s job and late night sessions with the people of our pack. My ex-pack.
“You and I…” he cuts the silence I wasn’t even aware of, “we have more in common than you think.”
“Such as?” I call his bluff.
He clicks his tongue. “I don’t know our compatibilities yet. But we must have them,” he gives me a chilling look, “Otherwise we wouldn’t be mates.”
“That sounds like an oversimplification.”
He shakes his head. “The Moon Goddess doesn’t randomly select newborns as mates. She watches her children as they grow up, learns their problems, insecurities… If they’re really messed up, she makes sure she gives them a mate, because,” he smirks, “Tell me, psychologist woman, what do people yearn for the most?”
I gaze at him, doubting he’s aiming at my answer, but I say it anyway. “Being understood.”
“Exactly.”
My eyes narrow. Do we speak the same language after all?
“The reason not everyone gets a mate’s because most already had someone who made them feel understood. Parents, siblings, a relative or a friend. But then there’re those with… distinct life paths. People like me. And people like you.”
I swallow hard remembering my Dad told me he killed his uncle. I don’t know how understanding I can be of that. “How does she know they’ll be understood by their mates?”
He chuckles, amused.
“Is something funny?”
“It’s just that you remind me of myself. That’s what I asked my grandfather as a child when he told me the story.”
“And what was his answer?”
“He said I’d find out when the time came. He was always certain I’d have a mate. Even when I wasn’t. That’s why I waited this long,” he stares at me.
Right. Simone did say he was the most desired bachelor in the area. “Huh,” I scoff, “I wish someone told me the same…” Sure would’ve saved me the trouble I’ve caused Ian. Or I’d ensure never to come back if I knew ‘the outcasts’ get mates.
“Doesn’t matter where you went or what you did,” he says as if reading my thoughts. “The Moon Goddess ensures mates’ paths cross one day.”
I suddenly notice he came closer – I didn’t see him move. My heart races, but I can’t relax until I know something. “Why did you kill your uncle?” I put it out there bluntly.
He presses his lips, obviously not knowing I was informed on the subject. “My family always ruled the pack,” he says matter-of-factly. “I would’ve ruled after my father, but I was only five when he died on the field – protecting our pack. Grandpa wanted to re-claim the Alpha position until I was of age, but it’s not how our pack works.”
“You follow the strongest,” I nod. “Regardless of heritage.”
“We used to, a century ago. The new custom was heritage. But in our pack, all heirs can be challenged. Doesn’t usually happen, because then one has to be killed. And everyone knows heirs receive the best training from the best fighters of the pack.”
“What happened?”
“Well, Gramps was nearing seventy when Samuel challenged him. At the peak of his strength. The prior Beta, my uncle,” he stares at me without remorse. “He killed my grandfather and became the new Alpha.”
I swallow hard. I know that Darius being the current Alpha means he must’ve challenged and killed Samuel when he came of age. He took back the title that belonged to him for generations. That takes a lot of weight of my heart. I do understand now – at last.
“How old were you?”
“When I killed him?” he asks plainly, locking his hands behind his head. “Seventeen.”
Wow. Only one thing left to wonder – did he murder him only to avenge his father or because he couldn’t follow someone else, regardless of who he was?
“Don’t look at me that way,” he stares at me. “Ask it.”
Does he fucking read minds? “I’m not afraid to ask, I’m afraid to hear the answer.”
“We don’t know much about each other, but your mate can’t be someone you’d hate. If you think I’m a savage driven by power, just ask yourself whether you are. Works every time.”
I furrow my forehead. Goddamn. “What if there’s things I hate about myself?” I play it cool, but the truth is – I don’t find it funny at all. Darius and I obviously both have a thirst for dominance and control. How will that play out?
He stands up and walks behind my chair, putting both his hands on my shoulders, making massage movements. I freeze in an instant.
“Relax,” he whispers to my ear and my entire body covers with goosebumps. It’s embarrassing knowing he can totally tell.
“You love the effect you have on me, don’t you?” I say, half angry.
He smirks. “If you paid closer attention, you’d realize you have the same effect on me.”
Why does he have to talk so close to my ear? In such a… husky… sexy… masculine… alpha… voice…
I realize my eyes are closed, head leaned backwards, and I’m rubbing against my mate’s arm, without my consent. I force myself to open my eyes and sit still, staring blankly in front of myself. Shit.
He inhales deeply behind me, his hands leaving my shoulders.
“Come,” he invites me with an open palm. “Let’s go to bed.”
I swallow hard. Truth is, I’m still waiting to see if this bond can be broken. A day here wasn’t enough to forget about my old life.
I haven’t decided if I want to be his Luna. Could I bring a child into this pack where anyone can challenge him or her to a fight to death to steal their title away?
He smirks with sensually glistening eyes as I don’t take his hand. “You know we agreed on it today. Don’t tell me you’re scared now.”
I stand up, tired of his cat and mouse game. “If I was scared… wouldn’t you be scared as well?”
He smiles. “You learn quickly,” and intertwines my fingers with his, looking me straight in the eye the entire time. Oh, the bastard’s so enjoying this. “I’m only scared about…” he comes closer, “not being able to control myself. So I know your fear’s the same,” he grazes his thumb alongside my jawline and my lips part without my knowledge.
Suddenly, I’m very thirsty. Thirsty for him.
Knowing that we both yearn for each other in the same amount just makes me feel… hot. Burning hot. But I hate the fact he has the power to control me.
I force myself to speak. “Then, I don’t think it’s smart that we sleep in the same bed.”
He frowns, but it seems he’s playing. “How so?”
“Well,” I take a step back to clear my mind. Feeling his touch makes me dizzy. “We obviously cannot trust ourselves in each other’s presence.”
He closes his eyes and takes a joyful breath. “When you talk like that…” he opens his eyes and reenforced eye contact. “Let’s just say I have to control myself real hard.”
A smirk escapes my lips. “Better do,” I am the one to approach him now – suddenly enjoying the role switch. “Because if you’re anything like me,” my fingers graze his Heavenly abdomen, “you suck at it real bad.” As proven by my shift and attack on him a few nights earlier.
He shuts his eyes again and I hear his teeth click as he clenches his jaw. A chuckle escapes my throat, as I’m enjoying this turn of events so much. Little Alpha can be conquered, after all…
He lunges towards me, pressing me against the wall, and I’m suddenly out of breath, my lips parted.
“You aren’t laughing anymore,” he smirks victoriously. “I will be waiting for you in our bed, once you realize you cannot sleep without me,” he pinches my nose. “Little wolfie.”
The words bug me. “That’ll be a long wait!”
He turns before he leaves the room. “We’ll see about that, Lily.”
And then he walks out. He threw a challenge my way, yet again. Bastard.
—–
This was a long chapter! Things are getting spicier! ☺️ Tell me what you guys think and thanks so much for reading! ?RêAd lat𝙚St chapters at Novel(D)ra/ma.Org Only